Let's Be Fair

So I just couldn't sleep knowing that I just railed on a bunch of girls and said nothing about guys.  Well wait.  Yeah actually I could.  But there is an epidemic that has spread among men everywhere, especially at BYU.  It is what I like to call "douche-baggery".

Douche-baggery is defined in the latest edition of the Matt Green's English Dictionary as being "a) the act of acting like a douche-bag; b) being unseemly loud and obnoxious; c) not thinking before acting; d) wearing a mustache."

There are varying degrees of douche-baggery.  How is this an epidemic, you ask?  Well let me tell you.


1) I find it extremely difficult to take anyone seriously who dresses like this: baggy shorts, t-shirt that is 461 sizes too big, baseball hat that has a flat brim and still has the hat-size sticker on it (not even for a team that you like, but just because the logo "looks cool"), and shoes that are so big that they won't stay on your feet.  This is what you look like to me:

Now, I realize that this may seem cool to some people.  But in reality, you look like a teenage queer who's not quite sure whether or not he should stay in the closet or give in and just come out.  Then you wonder why people still treat you like a child.  Well here's an idea: put on some decent clothes and at least pretend to look respectable.  It would make that whole "I'm an adult so treat me like an adult" thing a lot easier.

Douche-bag rating: 9 (scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest)


2) A white guy was walking around on campus playing a ukulele.  He is from Utah.  He has never been outside of the country.  He thinks he Polynesian.  It's a little stupid, but he's not hurting anyone.  Except for me, of course, because he plays the same tune repeatedly using the same 2 or 3 chords.

Douche-bag rating: 4

3) I'm sitting at Red Robin the other day, and there is a group of four that is seated at the table next to me.  One of the guys was standing up at the head of the table, attempting to be stylish with his shorts hanging down past his rear end.  Well, it wouldn't have been so bad if his shirt had at least been long enough to cover his butt.  But while he was leaning over, sure enough, there was the full moon shining brightly (or darkly, I should say, since he was black).  I'm not sure why anyone would think that everyone wants to see his butt hanging out of his pants . . .  Not surprisingly, I lost my appetite.

Douche-bag rating: 6


4) I know that it takes guys longer to mature than girls (or so I've been told), but there are some things that just baffle me that I've seen guys do.

Example: I was at the campus devotional the other day.  As I was walking past the library, I stopped to talk to a friend of mine that I served with during my mission.  While we were talking, I saw 3 guys wearing Foot Locker employee clothing (they were trying to look like referees).  I noticed that whenever they saw a dating couple showing some sort of pubic display of affection (holding hands, kissing, etc.), they would blow a whistle and show them a yellow or red card.  My friend David was "carded" by these three referees.

Don't you have anything better to do?  Sure, this whole "PDA" thing is a little overdone around here, but you're making it more obnoxious than it needs to be.  And you look like morons.  You should focus more on removing your "Dunce Cap" rather than refereeing everyone else's life.  It might be more understandable if you were 14 and in high school.  But guess what.  You're not.  Now you're just another floundering idiot.  And you're not doing anything to help your case either.

Douche-bag rating: 8

There seems to be a problem with what guys think is "cool" nowadays.  At BYU, it is against the dress and grooming standards to have a beard ("clean shaven, blah blah blah").  But for some reason, not all facial hair is included in that.

The mustache has become not only acceptable, but desirable among BYU men.  If your goal is to look like a creeper, then you are most certainly living up to it.  Just make sure that when you're buying a house, it's not the one next to mine.  You personify the classic Michael Jackson joke, making reference to BYU as "Bring 'em Young University".  Yes, you look like a pedophile with that 'stache.  Shave it.


Douche-bag rating: 10

My point is this: if you ever want people to treat you with any sort of respect, do something to deserve that respect.  There's a reason that people can't stand being around you and make fun of you at any chance that they can.  You just make it so easy for them!  So start acting like a grown-up if you ever want to be treated as such.

Fair to Look Upon

Women are supposed to be "fair to look upon".  Especially BYU women.  But for some reason, there have been some rather unflattering styles that have been accepted among the BYU female population that leave me to wonder: what were they thinking?  Allow me to explain.

I've been trying to figure this one out for a long time: when did leggings become an acceptable substitute for pants?  This includes leggings with mini-skirts.  Perhaps you should make reference to the statement in the Honor Code which states specifically:  "Clothing is inappropriate when it is . . . form fitting.  Dresses, skirts, and shorts must be knee-length or longer" (emphasis added).  Last time I checked (and yes, I did check), your leggings are suctioned to your legs.  Form-fitting, some would venture to say.  Your mini-skirt?  Yeah, it doesn't go down to your knees.  So please, do us a favor and keep your fat legs to yourself.  You might as well run out of the house with no pants on at all.  Yoga pants are borderline.  But it's a definite NO for just leggings.

Also, when did it become attractive, or desirable, for that matter, to have belly fat hanging out over your pants/leggings/skirts?  I don't know about anyone else, but the LAST thing I want to see when I'm just minding my own business (besides people sticking their tongues down each others' throats) is skin rolls and butt cracks.  May I have my courtesy barf bag, please?

Pregnant women, I have a question for you specifically: have you ever heard of "maternity clothing"?  You have another living person inside of you.  Do you really think that you can still fit in your clothes that you wore when you weighed 110 pounds?  *News flash*  You've gained 20 pounds!  Get something that fits!

I would much rather you cover yourself than make me have to cover my eyes when you walk in front of me, or bend down to dig around in your purse for 3 minutes, or sit at the computer and lean forward with anticipation.  Please, keep your skin/fat/butts covered.  My eyes would appreciate it.  A lot.

"Finest and Brightest"

You know, for all that everyone says about BYU students being the "finest and brightest" (among college students, I assume), it's not really what I imagined it to be.  Maybe I'm looking at every single one of the bad examples of that, but I work in the library in the middle of campus and see, literally, thousands of these so-called finest and brightest every day.  Final analysis: unimpressed.

Let me give you a few examples:

Ex. 1:  "I 'forgot' my student ID card (required to check out materials and print in the library, and all over campus, in addition to a plethora of other things on campus).  Can you print this 15-page paper for me?"

Um, if it was really vital that you have your paper printed, you should have remembered that and brought your ID card with you to campus.  You are in COLLEGE.  Be responsible for yourself.  And it would be different, Mr/Ms BYU Junior, if I hadn't had you come to my desk X number of times asking me to do the same thing.  So my answer to you?  Come back when you can wipe your own butt.

Ex. 2: "I'm looking for a book on [insert subject here].  Can you find one for me?"

Do it yourself.  If you can't find one after you have legitimately tried, THEN come talk to me.

Ex. 3: "Can I check out books here [at the Information desk]?"

*Slowly turn head to look at the desk marked "CIRCULATION" not 20 steps to the left and stare at it until point is taken*

Ex. 4: "I am 'an alumni'..."

So you're telling me that you're . . . multiple people in one?

Ex. 5, courtesy of my dear coworker, Carl Hollan: "Can I check out a sewing machine here?"

Only comment: this is a LIBRARY.

Ex. 6: Getting a death glare from a cashier in the BYU Bookstore for having an opinion of Harry Potter other than, "Oh my God it's like the best series ever and it's like so awesome and it's like so good and I can't wait for like the movie to like come out so I can see like the same thing that I like just read and then complain that the book is like better and I don't see how like someone could NOT like Harry Potter!"

*This is my "shut up before I kick your jaw off" face*

Ex. 7: Thinking that wearing only leggings counts as pants/modest clothing; also mini-skirts w/ leggings.

Please, re-re-re-re-re-read (that's reading AT LEAST 6 times) the numerous talks that have been given, in addition to the counsel given in For the Strength of Youth pamphlet about NOT wearing form-fitting clothing.  Also, re-read that thing that you signed before you were allowed to come to school here.  We call it the Honor Code.

Ex. 8: "Do you have this journal in the library?"
"No, we don't have that one."
"But I need it."
"Sorry, we don't have a copy of it."
"No, but I REALLY need it."
". . . and we STILL don't have it."

Just because you need something doesn't mean that it's going to magically appear.  Come on, people.

Ex. 9: "I have a research paper that's due tomorrow and I need to find some sources . . ."

Congratulations.  You are the 24th person today to tell me that.  Go do your homework, and next time, don't put it off til the last minute.

Ex. 10: Guy says, "Hey, do you want to go out with me this weekend?"
Girl responds, "No, sorry.  I have a missionary."

So that bans you from any social activity whatsoever; because there's this boy who you can't talk to or see that lives halfway across the world and most likely isn't even THINKING about you at the moment.  Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.  And because going out on a date means that you have to get married.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot, this is BYU.  It's a foregone conclusion that if you go on a date, you HAVE to get married.

These are my 10 examples for today.  Tune in next time when I have an extension of these 10 examples of our "Finest and Brightest".

Desktop vs. Laptop

I have been debating over whether or not I should do this for a while.  But now it has been a heavier matter in recent days and weeks.  The question?  Keep the laptop, or sell it and buy a desktop?  Here are my reasons.

Laptop
I have had a laptop since I started college (2006).  The most recent laptop I got was in 2009, shortly after returning home from a two-year stay in France.  I like my laptop.  It's a little heavy to carry around in my backpack all the time, so I usually leave it at home.  It does what I need it to do, but it does have some disadvantages.  For example, I like having a big display screen.  The screen on my laptop is 15.6".  Not bad for a laptop, but still, the computers that I use at work generally have a 20-23" monitor.  I like having a lot of windows open at once, but don't like having to squeeze two windows on my screen.

It is nice to be able to take my computer around my apartment so that I'm not limited to keeping it in my room.  If people come over but I want to use my computer still, I don't have to leave what I'm doing and I can still be mildly social.  But at the same time, I can't exactly haul my speakers back and forth because of how bulky they are (two speakers plus a sub-woofer).  So since I rarely (almost never) leave home with my laptop, I'm not seeing too many advantages to keeping it.

Desktop
Since monitors for desktops are pretty much all flat screens now (the last time I had a desktop it looked more like a TV than a computer monitor), space is not an issue.  I have a nice desk that I can utilize.  I've done some browsing and have been able to find some good monitors and towers that aren't extremely priced and fit what I'm looking for.  I have lots of music and would like to be able to hold a lot more than I have.  Generally, desktops are faster than laptops.  Again, I like larger display screens.  Also, since I don't take my computer with me, it would make sense, considering desktops are not very mobile...  and the fact that I have an Android phone, so I can get pretty much anything that I need on my phone that I could get on my computer.

Specs for the computer that I want to get (mix-and-match):
HP - 20" Widescreen Flat-Panel LCD Monitor (sale price $100)

Asus Essentio Desktop - ($400)
AMD Athlon II X2 Processor
2.8 GHz processor speed
4 GB memory (expandable to 16 GB)
1 TB hard drive

Total: ~$500
Current MSRP for laptop that I currently own: $540



I'm leaning towards the desktop for the reasons that I have already mentioned.  I'm curious to know what other people think.

I Like New Hats

I've started expanding my collection of hats.  I have quite a collection at home, but I've started going for the official team hats rather than the ones that I got from playing baseball as a kid.  And since I'm pretty sure that my head has stopped growing (contrary to the opinions of others...), I can get the fitted team hats without worrying about outgrowing them!  Here are the most recent additions to my collection:

The one on the left (for the information of my Southern/east coast friends) is the hat for the Salt Lake Bees, Triple-A Minor League affiliate of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  If you don't know the one on the right, you deserve to be punched in the face!  I already have a Braves hat that has a red bill, so I decided to go with the all-blue road cap.  It was a tough choice between this one and the Sunday home style hat.

I've also decided to take a page out of my good friend Mike's book and get a hat from each stadium that I visit.  So the next step is to start visiting other MLB stadiums...  This summer will take me to Denver (Colorado Rockies) and Kansas City (Kansas City Royals).  Unfortunately, when I'm planning on being in St Louis, the Cardinals will not be in town.  I might still get a Cardinals hat just for the heck of it.  I love baseball!  Can't you tell??