Problem Solvers

If there's one thing upon which I truly and completely pride myself, it's my ability to solve problems.  If I can't get something to work one way, I'll look to see if there is another way to get around it.  If I get stuck on an issue, I'll put it away and come back later to take a fresh look at it, hoping that there was something that I may have missed the first time.  This has worked very well for me.

But let me tell you what I despise: people who try to solve other peoples' problems.  Especially when the one with the problem *isn't asking for anyone's help*.  Thank you for "caring", but I can do this without you.  Why?  Because your suggestions suck.

Example:

Friend: "Matt, you just need to have positive thoughts."
Me: "You think I HAVEN'T thought of that already?!  Thank you for stating the obvious."

Reason for outburst: it's something I like to call "Clinical Depression".  You may have heard of it before.  But for those who don't understand what that entails, let me show you.

There are certain chemicals in the brain that help it to function "normally", if you will.  As you see here, with my type of depression, the serotonin levels are off.  So when I go any length of time without something to help get the serotonin back where it's supposed to be, I get increasingly depressed and irritable.  Edgy, as I like to say.  It also makes it extremely difficult to just "think positive thoughts".

And for those of you ignorant people who just say "it's a choice to have positive thoughts", you have no idea what you're saying and you have no right to say that.  Especially to someone like me.  Trying to tell me that only makes it worse.

I've had people tell me that being around me when I'm like that is like "walking on eggshells".  Two things.  1) Why would you ever walk on eggshells? and 2) it's your own d*** fault.  So don't try to blame it on me.

So, counsel from the wise to the uneducated, keep your "advice" to yourself.  I'm doing just fine figuring out my own problems and don't require your input unless I specifically ask for it.  You don't see me telling you how to run YOUR life.  So let me take care of my own life, just like you want to be in charge of yours.

Technology + Age = Disaster

I love old people.  No really, I do.  When I think of old people, I think of people like my grandmother.  She turns 90 in October and is one of the sweetest and most thoughtful people ever to exist on the planet we like to call "Earth".  I'm also very surprised that she is so mobile at her age!  We were just down in New Orleans a couple weeks ago and there were days where I had no idea where she was because she'd gone off to look at some stuff around town!  I hope I'll be like that when I'm 90.  Except not as a woman . . .

But as much as I love old people, there are quite a few that are just crabby.  You know what I mean: something doesn't work right or they don't understand something, so since you're the closest intelligent life form, all of that rage is directed right at your face.


Example: lady comes to the library trying to make some photocopies from a book.  Since the copying machine won't do what *she* wants it to do, it's automatically MY fault.  Now you may say that it's because I was the only staff on the clock at the time, but that's beside the point.

This is how I see old people, represented by a mathematical equation:

+

=

If it were up to me, I would find a way to get old people to avoid using any kind of technology at all costs.  The only problems are 1) it's not up to me, 2) I don't have any ideas for what to do, and 3) there are A LOT of old people.  But it sure would make things a lot less stressful on the technology-savvy if old people were banned from using things like computers.

Kudos to my grandma for sticking with the United States Postal Service and refusing to try using email.  I wish more old people were like you, Meema.

TSA: Too Stinkin' Anal

I recently returned from a trip home to Georgia and was intrigued by the differences in the TSA agents in the two airports from which I flew: Salt Lake City and Atlanta.

I had surgery on my wrist a couple days before I left Utah to head to Georgia, and I was trying to adjust to wearing a soft cast on my right arm.

It looked like this:

I expected to have to do some kind of extra security check at some point before they would let me on a plane, so I planned for a little extra time with our beloved TSA people.  After I went through the metal detector, the TSA agent told me to go see another guy to get my cast swabbed (I guess to make sure I didn't have any weapons on the OUTSIDE of my cast...).  It took about a minute and I was soon on my way to my gate.

And yes, for an entire two weeks (insert sad face here), I was in a hot and humid environment and was unable to wash my right arm.  Feel free to shed tears of sympathy now.

Here comes the good part.

My flight from Atlanta to Salt Lake was scheduled to leave at 6:15 AM on Sunday.  I figured that airport traffic would be light, considering the day and time.  Well, the only check-in that had a line was Frontier.  The one that I just happened to be flying that day.  There was a lady who was tapping her foot because she was worried about missing the flight (I walked into the airport at 5:15).  So was I.

And let me just say this: the people who check you in at the airport are slow and useless.  Much like the offense for the Atlanta Braves.  I didn't move in that line for almost 20 minutes while two people were checking in passengers more slowly than the plot development of Master and Commander.  But I digress.

By the time I finally got past check-in, I was booking it to get through security.  But there was a problem.  I still had this cast on my arm.  So Atlanta, being as huge and ridiculous as it is, decides that it needs to be SUPER thorough in checking to make sure that I don't have anything suspiciously hidden inside my cast.  After going through the body-scan, the TSA guy took me aside (away from my stuff) TO TAKE PICTURES from every possible angle of my arm using this outdated machine.  Was it necessary?  No.  I mean, I can understand that you want to make absolutely sure that nothing gets by unnoticed, but SERIOUSLY?  I had about 20 minutes to get to my gate before the flight left.  And I still had to get on the train to go 4 concourses down to my gate.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that we've woken up and have a heightened sense of security in our airports.  But could you please cut down on the unnecessary procedures and MOVE FASTER??!!  It would help a lot of people be less stressed about flying.  Most importantly: ME!