Douche-baggery is defined in the latest edition of the Matt Green's English Dictionary as being "a) the act of acting like a douche-bag; b) being unseemly loud and obnoxious; c) not thinking before acting; d) wearing a mustache."
There are varying degrees of douche-baggery. How is this an epidemic, you ask? Well let me tell you.
1) I find it extremely difficult to take anyone seriously who dresses like this: baggy shorts, t-shirt that is 461 sizes too big, baseball hat that has a flat brim and still has the hat-size sticker on it (not even for a team that you like, but just because the logo "looks cool"), and shoes that are so big that they won't stay on your feet. This is what you look like to me:
Now, I realize that this may seem cool to some people. But in reality, you look like a teenage queer who's not quite sure whether or not he should stay in the closet or give in and just come out. Then you wonder why people still treat you like a child. Well here's an idea: put on some decent clothes and at least pretend to look respectable. It would make that whole "I'm an adult so treat me like an adult" thing a lot easier.
Douche-bag rating: 9 (scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest)
2) A white guy was walking around on campus playing a ukulele. He is from Utah. He has never been outside of the country. He thinks he Polynesian. It's a little stupid, but he's not hurting anyone. Except for me, of course, because he plays the same tune repeatedly using the same 2 or 3 chords.
Douche-bag rating: 4
3) I'm sitting at Red Robin the other day, and there is a group of four that is seated at the table next to me. One of the guys was standing up at the head of the table, attempting to be stylish with his shorts hanging down past his rear end. Well, it wouldn't have been so bad if his shirt had at least been long enough to cover his butt. But while he was leaning over, sure enough, there was the full moon shining brightly (or darkly, I should say, since he was black). I'm not sure why anyone would think that everyone wants to see his butt hanging out of his pants . . . Not surprisingly, I lost my appetite.
Douche-bag rating: 6
4) I know that it takes guys longer to mature than girls (or so I've been told), but there are some things that just baffle me that I've seen guys do.
Example: I was at the campus devotional the other day. As I was walking past the library, I stopped to talk to a friend of mine that I served with during my mission. While we were talking, I saw 3 guys wearing Foot Locker employee clothing (they were trying to look like referees). I noticed that whenever they saw a dating couple showing some sort of pubic display of affection (holding hands, kissing, etc.), they would blow a whistle and show them a yellow or red card. My friend David was "carded" by these three referees.
Don't you have anything better to do? Sure, this whole "PDA" thing is a little overdone around here, but you're making it more obnoxious than it needs to be. And you look like morons. You should focus more on removing your "Dunce Cap" rather than refereeing everyone else's life. It might be more understandable if you were 14 and in high school. But guess what. You're not. Now you're just another floundering idiot. And you're not doing anything to help your case either.
Douche-bag rating: 8
There seems to be a problem with what guys think is "cool" nowadays. At BYU, it is against the dress and grooming standards to have a beard ("clean shaven, blah blah blah"). But for some reason, not all facial hair is included in that.
The mustache has become not only acceptable, but desirable among BYU men. If your goal is to look like a creeper, then you are most certainly living up to it. Just make sure that when you're buying a house, it's not the one next to mine. You personify the classic Michael Jackson joke, making reference to BYU as "Bring 'em Young University". Yes, you look like a pedophile with that 'stache. Shave it.
Douche-bag rating: 10
My point is this: if you ever want people to treat you with any sort of respect, do something to deserve that respect. There's a reason that people can't stand being around you and make fun of you at any chance that they can. You just make it so easy for them! So start acting like a grown-up if you ever want to be treated as such.
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